By Your Fathers Hand
by 0liviaHope
Summary: Dean loves his father, if only the feeling was mutual. The scars that cover deans body prove that. 18 years of abuse and Dean still loves John just as much as he always had. TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse
1. Chapter 1

Dean silently retreated to his room after his most recent beating from his father. The beatings started shortly after his mother died. It accounts for dozens of scars covering his body. Somehow through the 18 years since his mother died Dean had managed to keep Sam in the dark about how John treated him but also at 22 years old still hadn't managed to get away.

Dean had always prided himself on his loyalty but it also would be the death of him. At least, once a week after Sam has gone to bed, John beats Dean. Telling him how worthless he is and what a failure he has become. Dean always took the beatings without a word, without any fight back.

The first time John hit his son, Dean was only 4 years old.

John stumbled into the cheap motel room half past midnight. Dean had tried long ago put Sam to bed but had only recently gotten him to fall asleep.

"Dean" John growled, his breath smelled of whiskey, "What are you doing awake"

Over the past 5 months since Mary's death, John would leave for hours at a time and often came back filthy drunk.

"Daddy" Dean whimpered "I couldn't get Sammy to sleep"

John sighed and quickly grew angry as he often does after a few drinks.

"I leave you one task and you can't even accomplish that!" John mumbled. Dean looked up at his father and saw his fists clenched at his side.

"Daddy?" Dean question just before feeling a strong sting on his left cheek. Tears welled in his eyes.

"Oh my God Dean I'm so sorry" John claimed just realising what he had done. "I'm so sorry. Daddy didn't mean it" He begged for his own forgiveness by extending a gentle hand towards Dean. Dean flinched as he saw John's hand come near him.

"That hurt daddy" Dean said as tears flowed down his face.

"Dean I promise I won't hurt you again. I am so sorry" John pulled Dean into a hug and then carried him to bed. He mentally scolded himself for hitting his son. He not only promised Dean but he promised himself, it would never happen again.


	2. Chapter 2

John didn't lay a hand on either of his boys for years, but he didn't uphold his promise forever. Dean was 9 when it happened again. John was still hunting the demon that had killed his wife leaving his sons alone in a old motel the majority of the time. Dean had become his 5 year old brothers guardian. He cooked for him and cleaned, he took care of whatever motel room they were staying in that night. He did a great job but he was only 9 and prone to mess up. Yet, he ignored the fact that he couldn't be perfect and always did exactly what his father told him to.

"Dean I am going to be gone a few days, take care of your brother and don't leave this room" John said before heading out on yet another hunt, the third one this month.

""Yes Sir!" Dean replied obediently like he always had. Sir, Dean hadn't called his father dad in years, just sir as if he was his drill sergeant. In a way he was. Dean had learned to fire a gun before he turned 6 and could wield a machete before he was 7. Not exactly a normal childhood. He was a soldier and nothing more in his father's eyes. But that didn't matter to Dean, to him, his father was a hero. He spent his life saving people, hunting things. Dean only saw perfection when he looked at his father. John left with a loving goodbye to Sam and a list of rules and orders for Dean, just like he always did.

It was 3 days before the boys heard anything from John and when they did it was simply a quick check in and explaining about the new nest of vamps he found, saying he may be gone for the rest of the week if not longer.

Dean looked in the shoebox under his bed after speaking to his dad. He didn't have enough cash left to get through another week. They were already running short on supplies in the motel room, but Dean remembered his father's orders not to leave the room so he didn't.

4 days later, John still wasn't back and the food in the motel was near nonexistent. Dean had already been giving up some of his own meals so that Sammy would have enough but even that wasn't cutting it. Dean woke up and his stomach was in pain because of how hungry he was but he knew if he ate, Sammy wouldn't be able to have breakfast. A mostly empty box of cereal was all the boys had left.

When Sam got up an hour later Dean poured him the cereal and watched him ate.

"Dean?" Sam questions "Did you eat?" for a 5 year old that kid was pretty damn observative.

"Of course Sammy" Dean lied ruffling Sam's hair "I had something before you woke up" Sam went on to talk about the dream he had last night and Dean gave him his full attention. Not an hour later Sam was hungry again, Dean wasn't surprised but told Sam he had to wait until lunch, But Dean wasn't sure what that lunch would be seeing as the boys were completely out of food. By 11AM Sam had fallen asleep on one of the queen sized bed in the room. Dean figured that Sam would be asleep for at least an hour and for the first time in his life decided to disobey his father's orders.

Dean grabbed a wad of cash from the shoe box and walked to the nearest gas station about 2 blocks away. He grabbed some pasta, microwavable dinners and some cereal and milk. Just enough to get the boys through a couple more days. Dean also grabbed a burrito that they were selling and thought about how long it had been since he had eaten anything. He had a bowl of cereal in the morning yesterday and a small serving of macaroni the day before. No wonder he was so hungry.

Dean began eating his burrito as he walked back to the motel. He looked at his watched as he walked into the motel's parking lot. Noon. Hopefully Sammy hadn't woken up yet and nobody would ever know of Dean's little adventure. Of course with Deans luck that wouldn't happen. Dean unlocked the door and looked to the bed. He saw a large mound under the blankets and grinned to himself. Dean began putting away the groceries and decided he should wake Sam up to eat. He pulled the blankets off the bed only to find pillows.

"Sammy?" Dean yelled as he began scouring the room. "Sammy!" He ran to the bathroom and found a single drop of blood on the cold tile floor and the window cracked slightly open.

"Oh my god…" Dean whimpered as tears welled in his eyes and started streaming down his face. He ran to the phone on the wall of the motel and called Bobby. After 2 rings he heard the man's rough but calming voice on the other end of the line.

"Hello?" Bobby asked.

"Bobby something happened to Sam, I don't know where he is!" Dean sobbed. Bobby called John after trying to calm down Dean. Dean continued scouring the room for any clue he might have to where Sam could be. Not even an hour later he heard the purr of the Impala outside. John walked in, his eyes red from crying.

"You worthless peice of shit." John growled when he saw Dean. "I give you one job and you can't even do that."

"Daddy I'm so-" Dean was cut of by a sharp blow to his head.

"Shut up." John said "You can't do anything right! Why was Sam even left alone in the first place? On second thought don't answer that." John raised his fist again and knocked Dean with a blow so hard the young boy stumbled to the ground. Before Dean could stand up completly John hit him again with a fist twice as strong. Dean curled into a ball on the ground where John continually kicked him muttering things _worthless, disappointment._ The words flooded his ears and began to pain him even more than the constant blows to his body.

When John finally stopped Dean's nose was bloody his body was bruised, he had at least one broken rib and his face was swollen and red. John left the room without another word and drove off in search for his youngest son. Dean listened to the car speed away as his vision turned black.

When he woke up again it was to Uncle Bobby breaking into the motel room. Before he could see him, Dean crawled over to the bathroom and locked himself in. He heard the motel room door burst open and Bobby's heavy steps come towards him.

"Dean!" Bobby called before noticing the locked bathroom door. "Dean open the door" Dean didn't reply but it didn't take long for Bobby to break in and find Dean a sobbing, bruised and bloody mess in the corner of the room.

"Boy what happened to you?" Bobby asked reaching his hand towards Dean. When Dean felt Bobby's light touch to his shoulder he flinched and backed away. Bobby realised what happened without Dean having to say a word. Bobby pulled the boy up and cleaned him off

"Come on Son," Bobby said after getting Dean cleaned up "We are going to find your brother."

By the time Bobby and Dean caught up to John, he had already traced Sam back to the Vampire nest he was hunting. Bobby and Dean walked into see dozens of heads on the floor and John holding Sam, both of them covered in blood.

"Dean!" Sam cheered as he saw his older brother walk in. He ran over to him and Dean kneeled hugged him close. He began crying again in pain and relief. He heard Bobby walk over to John and both of them exchange harsh words. John said something softly to John and put his head down and Bobby left without another word.

When Sam looked up he truly got a look at all of Dean's injuries. Although Bobby cleaned him up as best as he could he was still swollen bruised and had dried blood still in his hair. In the same way Dean could see all that had happened to Sam.

"Dean what happened?" Sam asked, shocked by all of the injuries covering Dean's body.

"Nothing I'm fine Sammy" Dean smiled and began looking over his little brother to make sure he was okay. Sam was covered in bruises and scratches, had a fairly large gash on his forearm but seemed mostly okay. "I'm so sorry Sammy"

"It's okay" Sam instantly replied. He was always quick to forgive his brother. John walked over and looked at his 2 sons.

"Hey Sammy let's go out to the car and get cleaned up" John said as he got closer. Sam stood up and started making his way to the Impala but Dean stayed on his knees. As Sam got further away John walked over to his oldest and gave him another sharp kick in his side.

"You are so damn lucky that Sam was okay." John whispered harshly. Dean was just glad it was over. Little did Dean know the beatings were far from over


	3. Chapter 3

Ever since Dean had lost Sam everything had changed with John. He was drinking more often and leaving the boys alone more. John would be quicker to anger and you could tell by the bruises that cover Dean's chest. Dean was now 13 and even though his Dad had been constantly abusing him since he lost Sammy, He still loves and respects his father with all his heart.

Sam and Dean had began going to school more frequently. Sam was doing well and seemed to like. Dean on the other hand was the opposite. Although he worked his ass off to impress his dad he couldn't do it. Maybe because when he was home he was either parenting his brother or getting his ass kicked by his father. That didn't matter, it was just the way things were and he had no reason to make excuses.

After finishing their first full semester at the same school Dean and Sam got sent home with their first complete report cards.

"Dean!" Sam cheered running from the school towards his brother with a paper in his hand "Look!" Sam exclaimed a grin spread across his face. Dean looked at the paper and saw that Sam had gotten all A's.

"That's awesome Sammy!" Dean thought about his own grades that had been presented to him a couple hours earlier. He had barely passed he had all D's except for a B in Home Ec. He knew the bad grades were his fault and he deserved whatever was coming from his father at home.

When John walked into the motel that evening Sam was showing him his report card before he was even completely through the door.

"Good Job, Sammy" John smiled. "Dean do you have something to show me?"

"Yes, sir" Dean replied "Sammy do you want to go to your room?" Dean said calmly handing John his report card. Sam walked of to his room to do his homework.

"What the hell is this?" John said when he saw the horrid grades that Dean had presented.

"I'm sorry sir, I tried I really did" Dean replied

"Well not hard enough" John responded along with a slap across Dean's face. Dean didn't flinch, he was used to this and knew he deserved it. Another blow to his head, harder than the first. He was ashamed, he should have worked harder. Again he felt a white hot pain on his left cheek and fell to the ground.

"Get Up!" John growled grabbing Dean's shirt and pulling him up against the wall with his left hand. With his right hand he continued punching Dean until his face was cut up and he was gasping for air. John dropped him and kicked him in the chest with his steel-toed boots. Dean heard a loud crack and assumed it was one of his ribs.

10,15, 20 minutes went by and Dean had no escape finally John stopped and stormed out of the motel room, probably to the nearest bar.

Dean crawled to the bathroom and began washing the blood off his face. He lifted up his shirt and saw the dozens of bruises beginning to form. He could see the outline of his ribs and saw that one was out of place. Dean got into the shower and watched the blood fall from his face. He traced his hands over the dozens of scars, bruises and cuts that covered his body. When Dean got out of the shower he found medical tape and wrapped up his chest.

"Dean" Sam called from outside the bathroom door "Are you okay?"

"Yeah Sammy!" Dean lied as he got dressed and walked out the door, looking his brother in the eye "How are you?"

"Dean why do you have those bruises?"

"Oh I just.. fell"

"Where did dad go?" Sam questioned

"I'm not sure, but how about we go to bed." Reluctantly Sam followed Dean into their room and turned off the lights. The boys settled in bed and tears began silently falling down Dean's face. He knew he was worthless, he was done.


	4. Chapter 4

Now Dean was 22 and still stuck under his father's fist. 2 hits to the face and a kick to the chest sent Dean silently to his room in pain. That night he dreamed of an escape, A world where he could see his mom again and wasn't trapped inside the cage his father built around him. He dreamed of happiness and saw his way out.

2 AM Sam was asleep and John was in a drunken coma. Dean grabbed the keys to the Impala, grabbed his bag and left to a motel just 10 miles down the road. Dean checked into a room and walked in, tracing his hands against the peeling wallpaper. He looked to the 2 large beds and set his bag down on the one nearest to him. He went to the bottom of the bag and grabbed his gun setting it softly on the bed. He then walked to the nightstand and pulled out a pen and paper and began to write to his brother.

 _Hey Sammy,_

 _I am sorry._

 _I am sorry that you didn't get to lead a normal life. I am sorry that you didn't have the family you deserved. I do need to ask you one last thing. Stop right here. Don't go into the bathroom because I don't want you to see. Please leave dad. I don't want him to hurt you like he had hurt me. I am sorry._

 _Dean_

Dean set down the paper on bed closest to the door and picked up the gun. He walked into the bathroom, looking the door behind him and sat down in the bathtub and closed the molded curtain. Dean took his last look around leaned back, brought the gun to his head and pulled the trigger.


End file.
